I’m tired. My legs always ache after work. I miss my family. I miss my friends. and I miss my boyfriend. I’m lonely here. I didn’t want to leave New York when I saw my Filipino friends. I wanted to tell them, “Please don’t leave New York, may I stay with you guys? I’ll just work where you guys are working.”
I always try to look for something here.. something that would make me remember home and the people I love. I try as much as possible to go online and wait for everyone on skype or if not, facebook. I miss home.. I want to go home…
Its so hard waiting..
Aside from being sick and tired of the place and the state I’m staying at, I’m very upset, scared, and furious. Half of me thinks that I’m getting insane..
I remember those days, when I told myself.. I’ll only be in a relationship if I see myself marrying this person. Why is that? Because I don’t want to waste my time, and energy for nothing in the end. I’m quite hopeless romantic in a sense that to avoid such, I decided years ago to stop my heart from beating, from falling in love.. why? Because it is not necessary.. it is not a necessity.. and it will only make me weak. But after years of protecting myself.. I fell in love with someone.. and honestly, this fact breaks my heart. I never thought it would hurt this much. I thought I’m matured enough that I’ll be able to handle it on my own. I thought I could maintain my composure on everything.. I thought I would be able to control my feelings.. Maybe I’m too naive that my way of thinking is too traditional. Maybe.. just saying.. I want to protect myself again by probably being… I don’t know..
Oh God, my God… Please hold and protect my heart..
Help me endure whatever it is that causes me pain. Let your grace be upon me that I may trust fully to You my Lord without any hesitation. Lord, I know for a fact that I am not worthy to even ask you anything for I am nothing. But God, I need you so much.
HOLD ME ALWAYS MY LORD GOD.
In my life, let your will be done.
Posted by ikayalla 
