Pwede Umiyak?

I’m tired. My legs always ache after work. I miss my family. I miss my friends. and I miss my boyfriend. I’m lonely here. I didn’t want to leave New York when I saw my Filipino friends. I wanted to tell them, “Please don’t leave New York, may I stay with you guys? I’ll just work where you guys are working.”

I always try to look for something here.. something that would make me remember home and the people I love. I try as much as possible to go online and wait for everyone on skype or if not, facebook. I miss home.. I want to go home…

Its so hard waiting..

Aside from being sick and tired of the place and the state I’m staying at, I’m very upset, scared, and furious. Half of me thinks that I’m getting insane..

I remember those days, when I told myself.. I’ll only be in a relationship if I see myself marrying this person. Why is that? Because I don’t want to waste my time, and energy for nothing in the end. I’m quite hopeless romantic in a sense that to avoid such, I decided years ago to stop my heart from beating, from falling in love.. why? Because it is not necessary.. it is not a necessity.. and it will only make me weak. But after years of protecting myself.. I fell in love with someone..  and honestly, this fact breaks my heart. I never thought it would hurt this much. I thought I’m matured enough that I’ll be able to handle it on my own. I thought I could maintain my composure on everything.. I thought I would be able to control my feelings..  Maybe I’m too naive that my way of thinking is too traditional. Maybe.. just saying.. I want to protect myself again by probably being… I don’t know..

Oh God, my God… Please hold and protect my heart..

Help me endure whatever it is that causes me pain. Let your grace be upon me that I may trust fully to You my Lord without any hesitation. Lord, I know for a fact that I am not worthy to even ask you anything for I am nothing. But God, I need you so much.

HOLD ME ALWAYS MY LORD GOD.

In my life, let your will be done.

Irritated. July 13

Irritated. I’m so pissed off. As much as possible, I try to understand my landlady. She’s on her late 50s. Separated. Annoyingly snoopy. In every little thing you do, she has something to say. Given this, she’ll keep making rules. I hate the fact that despite her attitude, I try to shut my mouth. I even obey her unreasonable rules.

Rules:

1. Don’t be noisy

2. No cooking after 11 because the kitchen is near her room and slight noise from the kitchen wakes her up (Our work usually ends at 11, so imagine us going home hungry)

3. Don’t use the laundry unless your clothes have the capacity to fill up the annoying machine.

4. lights off at night.

5. no guests in the room when it gets dark.

6. clean your room and your bathroom weekly.

7. when cooking make sure the heat is really low.

8. pay your monthly dues on time or your rent will increase by 10%

9. dont make any loud sound or sound especially at night.

10. Dry your clothes where you also take a shower.

11. Take a bath once a day only because electricity goes up.

12. Try to minimize the use of electricity. (C’mon, there are 13 people living in the house and you think $1,500 is already too much?, how much are we all paying you monthly?)

Today is my day off from work. This usually comprises of me washing my clothes, cleaning the room, cooking and sleeping. So that’s how it should be regularly. But since yesterday, as soon as I got up, the freaking laundry is turned off. I wanted to wake her up and tell her can you please turn it on or better, teach me so i know where the switch or the plug is. So because of this, I just told myself, fine tomorrow which is today.

So TODAY, the first thing i wanted to do was to do my laundry and the same thing happened again. When my landlady got home, I asked her, is the laundry unplugged? and she said “yes” it is. So i told her, I have to use it. Then my housemate Khel asked her why or something. She called for me and told me that she started unplugging it because of me. She said it was because last week she saw me doing my laundry and even hiding it from her. WHERE THE HECK DID SHE GET THAT FREAKING IDEA? So I asked her patiently, huh? I did that? And she said ” yes, you even had Paolo stand in front of you with the towel on his hand and you were putting like 3 or 4 pieces on it.” So this time, I reacted. I said ” I have no idea that I did that.” and she said she peaked on my stuff and saw 3 or 4 pieces of clothes. So again i told her, ” I had Paolo there because I was hiding my underwear. Inside the dryer I was actually getting my underwear first to put it on the towel so i could wrap it but i decided not to finish it so i decided to get all my stuff in the dryer all at once, and to tell you I had a lot of clothes.” I even wanted to tell her,I normally don’t mix my underwear with my clothes because those are delicates, but I do now because there’s no way it will be possible to pile it in that freaking washing machine and make it full.

Today also, after this incident, another housemate told me that she gets mad when I use the dryer because I usually put 2 or 3 pieces of clothes. Heck yeah I’ll do that! Where does she expect me to dry my clothes after hand washing it? Those are my freaking uniform which i use for work! I really want to shout right now. I’m so irritated!

Honestly, as much as possible, I really try to ignore, stay away, and do my own thing. But she’s just Ms. Snoopy! I hate it!

If only I could make some rules. Maybe my rules are:

1. Make sure you stop snooping around other people’s business and just mind your own business.

2. Stop making rules, you are only thinking of yourself and your dog. How about us who pays rent here?

3. Kindly make sure you bathe your dog every week. The house already stinks that I cannot even pass near your dog. its just too smelly.

4.Vacuum the whole house. Your dog’s fur is everywhere. Its starting to be disgusting already.

5. Don’t use the stuff that we use for your dog.

6. Look at yourself and how much you are using the electricity. We’re mostly out and you’re not.

7. Stop saying bad things about your neighbors.

8. Remove some unnecessary furnitures in the house– it scares most of us you know. its not pretty.

So yeah. thats all… Just pissed off. I pay my rent on time. I believe I have the right to do whatever I want in my room, in my space– when i’m cooking, doing my laundry and when i’m in the living room doing. I have all the right!